oh well.. thats me completely down and out

I phoned up Becca and well i didn't directly ask her out, i just asked if we could meet up because i wanted to speak about things and she guessed and well she told me that she wanted to be friends.. my heart broke instantly... it's probably for the best though my life is full of letdowns and it's just becoming usual now.

Least i've still got her as a friend and well i hope she doesn't do what most of them are doing to me and just blocking me out.. i'll still love becca more then ever, and well somehow i'll cope with the fact i probably won't be able to go out with her but i'll be persistant and be friendly and well i never know it might work out in the end.

Am i really going to die a lonely old fart.. cos always it's "lets just be friends" yes it's great to have friends but why am i not someone who people love?

I better stop before i cry even more (not that i probably can) I still love Rebecca and i cherish your friendship now.

My life is messed.. and i dnt knw wot to do!

95% of my friends from High School have basically left me and culdn't give 2 shits about me anymore.. i don't really have any friends in college either.. and the friends i do have dnt seem to care about how i feel/think which rly pisses me off.

Then you got Rebecca, I love her loads, shes the only good thing in my life atm but then all i think about is bad stuff that she might think about me or she'll say no and call me fat and ugly if i ask her out, because im so paranoid and then i make stupid messed up texts to her and stuff and like omfg!!!!! Then i think i'm so stupid which makes me upset and i just wanna cry.. tbh i have been crying whilst writing this atm.

My life is totally messed, my head is screwed up.. and i rly dnt knw how to make it better. I've joined the gym to help me lose weight but now i've finally weighed myself all i think of myself now is a fat ugly low-life loser.

If anyone actually cares about me.. please help! E-mail me on phillip_baker12@hotmail.com, txt or call on 07708544839, or just simply leave a comment! Thanx.

I'm just such a idiot rly...

All day today and last night i have been thinking about Rebecca loads! and it hurts and last nite i even cried myself to sleep.. some people saying im just getting too obsessed now, but if you knew how i felt about Becca you'd know it was love rather then obsession!

I got told Becca would be at home on her own today and I was gonna fone her up, and shes not there :( then i left a stupid stuffed up message.. ARGH! im such a jerk!

I don't know but i could just be acting over paranoid and that she might actually like me, but everything i think of atm just seems to think i'm coming across as too pushy or summin and she wont like me!!! AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

W/E the outcome is... i can say one thing... i really am messed up in the head at the moment (along with other thoughts) and the only way i think i can relieve some of this is to finally ask Becca out, and hope she says yes, but its her choice if she says no then i'll have to accept that!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today..

Man today has been amazing!

First i went to the gym.. which was great after eating 3 christmas dinners in 3 days :o

After i got home, had to go back out to Sudbury to help Rebecca's Family decorate their new home (man it's huge compared to ours!! Jealous!! lol)

This was great, i enjoyed painting and talking to Clare, and also the rest of the family... also pieter (there little bro) supposedly is abit funny with people they (the 3 females) and plays around, but he was actually pretty good which was a good thing.

Then you have Lily! what a cute puppy, esp when she likes to play bite you.. awwwww...

Anywayz, in the afternoon Becca and I were sorta told we had to go take her for a walk, which was excellent because i got to spend some time alone with Becca but also the enjoyment of watching a puppy run about :) I didn't speak to her about what i really wanted to speak to her about.

Now im at home contimplating whether to fone Becca tonight or leave it till tomorrow, i'm so love sick atm (Sad i knw) but all i can do is think about her and it makes me upset not being able to speak to her and be with her all the time.. ok i suppose the times we are together is more special... oh well maybe soon i can actually pluck up the courage and ask her out... we'll see... in the mean time all i can do is think about her and patiently wait :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A thought that's occured to me over the last few days-weeks which decided to write down now is that is it just me or is almost everything got love/sexual innuendo.. this makes things really annoying when you really like someone and your not actually going out with them yet... ARGH!!!! do i take it as a sign from God (cos before it din't rly matter/notice) and that he is telling me to ask her out, or do i just think i'm stupid!

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

My Christmas so far...

Yesterday.. hectic as ever! went to hadleigh for mum's meeting in the morning, got home had lunch and about 30 mins rest then had to go back out to Sudbury for there Carol Service.

That was great, spoke to becca :) the whole service was great and funny, Clare and Kirsty were great and got on well with my sister (and i learnt lots bout stuff thehe.) After the Carol Service we went carolling round pubs i was meant to collect but i din't feel comfortable so i didn't.. but it was fun nontheless watching all the drunken people lol.

This morning, got up expecting to go out to a Christmas morning service at Stowmarket but mum was in a really foul mood so we didn't actually go out :( (and culda postponed getting sorted to fone becca which i really wanted to do) and as usual got boring Christmas presents (cloths, "smellies" and some money (most of which is spent lol.)) After this we had to go to our Grandparents which is boring as anything -.- what makes it even worse is that my uncle (34/35) still lives at home with his parents (hahahaha) and he treats me like im a little kid still -.- and this gets really annoying. Finally got to come home about 6.30 and we were all pleased lol.

Just posting a blog and e-mailing a couple of my friends, then i'll probs watch tv with parents + sister or do something else. Hopefully get a text from Clare/becca saying i can phone them, and well not looking forward to tomorrow as grandparents (+uncle) coming over -.- Then on Wednesday it ain't too bad cos we taking sister upto her future in-laws and then Thursday can take a rest (well goto gym for a while) but generally chill.

Well i hoped you enjoyed your christmas more then i did.. and i hope you have a good new year too.

People look and not comment...

Well i've found out several people keep looking at my blogs and well just once (hopefully more :P) can you post a comment or summin.. hehe :) thanx

Last few days..

Well my sister came home on Friday and thank god.. it's been great catching up with her again she's really cool and we do get along fairly well and she's good at helping me with scenarios.

This morning we went Carolling with the Salvation Army and my sister was sent to sort of speak to Kirsty/Clare about Rebecca and well i found out some amazing things.. and well tomorrow hopefully will be good when we see them again.

Christmas.. well obviously it's only 2 days away and i still don't really feel in the Christmas spirit.. at home we haven't got our christmas decorations up and i've only wrapped a few presents up and well i haven't really seen any of my friends since we broke up.. it just seems wierd i'm still not in the spirit of Christmas even though it's when Jesus was born :)

The gym.. well i registered for the Gym last week, and on Tuesday i had my induction.. and the stupid woman made me go on every machine doing more then i was comfortable with and then realised after i got home she didn't tell me to do stretches afterwards.. so of course on wednesday i had the most excrutiating pain in my legs and arms, on Thursday it wasn't much better but i had to do something so i went to the gym with my mum and did a little bit and made sure i warmed down properly, and on Friday i was all better again :) (well i ached a bit, but could walk properly haha).. Today i went to the gym and i tried pushing myself to see my limit's and well i was surprised at how much i could handle but i almost fainted several times, and was shaking and in pain afterwards cos i didn't drink lots and lots. I did all my stretches twice so hopefully tomorrow i will be good and not walk around like a pillock lol!!

Well enjoy your Christmas i'm sure i will eventually, even though i got to go round grandparents for Christmas day -.-

Why cant people see it from my point of view for once?

I'm getting really annoyed with people asking me how becca is or something about her, and i say i don't know because she doesn't txt or come on msn anymore.. then whats really pissing me off is they say things like "is she really worth it" or "are you sure she's the one" or "You can do much better then that"

See it from my point of view for once.. she's so worth it! I wouldn't have spent more then a month continuously thinking about her if i didn't thing shes worth it or i don't think shes the one.. and well as for i could do much better then that.. yeah if i wanted to be a shallow prick and go for someone just because they look "sexy".. nah becca is brilliant all round.. learn to like people for other reasons then just looks stupid idiots. @@

Grrr.. least thats sorta let some stress off. I love becca even if she chooses not to txt me or e-mail me every day etc.. so what.. got a problem with the way i feel.. then ,,!,,

Why did i send that text?

Why did i send that text just now? I needed help and reassurance from someone but she has enough worries of her own to sort out before she would even consider helping me out.. im just a stupid fool

Got a response it helped a little.. still not fully reassured but i'll do what she told me to do.

EDIT: (Friday 1.30pm) I did as she said and prayed to God about my situations, i did this before i went to sleep and realised i was opening out a lot of my concern to him.. and i didn't think i would feel a difference but i did.. my thoughts cleared and i got to sleep 10x quicker then i normally do.

Advice isn't always wrong...

Sometimes you speak to people about something and you hear advice that you don't want to hear, but sometimes that piece of advice actually brings you back down to earth.

Something my mate said to me a while ago i didn't want to hear because what she said is whats keeping me going atm, but the advice was true.

So remember, next time you get advice that you didn't want to hear... think it might be the advice that you actually need to take.

Why do i bother?

I try to help people or talk to them about stuff in general, but then i always seem to get it chucked back in my face with them not talking to me, getting bitched about.. it just sucks.. why do i bother helping these people?

The stupid thing is i keep doing it, i think there talking to me because they like me for who i am, but there only interested in sort of the advice i give or about themselves.

ARGH !@!@!@! Today really sucks for me. Someone cheer me up.

I don't like my life atm

My life seems to be just full of crap.. i never feel happy atm.. im always worrying and upset about something even if i don't know what.. if only things were better with Rebecca then i would have something to be happy about.. I hate feeling down and then i get awkward questions from my parents.

:( when will i feel as happy as i did on 30th november (thurs) when me and Rebecca went to cinema for the night. I love you Rebecca.... please respond to me.

I think im going mad...

Well last night before i went to bed i decided to watch some film on BBC1 about someone nicking a painting and stuff.

When i got to bed i had the most wierdest and randomist dreams ever.. one of them was getting on a bus and just walking up and down small narrow stairs.. like wtf?

The next one i was just randomly walking in and out of rooms.

Another was that two of my friends had a radio show in the morning and after that they came out with a briefcase (also was in the film) which got swapped with someone else, then resulted in both of them having the real picture.

I think my last dream before i woke up i was randomly walking around asking people to go to places i already knew and getting lost even if it was only down the street.. lol

I'm going MAD!!! ARGH!!!!!

I'm so bored!!!

I'm bored at the moment, and when i get bored all i can do is think about nonsence and it's F***ing annoying.. tell me how i can get my mind off this situation.. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH... why?

This is meant to be nasty etc but i just cant stop thinking why you haven't responded to any of my texts or e-mails etc.. please respond to the letter i've posted im eating away inside and it's killing me...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Any response please....?

Thank you Clare

Well i semi met Clare when Stowmarket Songsters went to North Walsham but we didn't really speak.. but since my mum has become a leiutenant of the Salvation Army and has taken responsibility of Hadleigh Corp, where previously Clare's parents were looking after it, so i got to meet Clare through my mum.

At first i was a little shy at speaking to people i don't know and recently got her e-mail address and began chatting to her on MSN.. and boy has that been a great help to me.

Not just because she's helped me with situations with Rebecca (their sisters btw) but also some issues within life... and well i know Clare will look at this and just want to say thank you for talking to me, i totally trust you and i hope you can the same with me and that i can be of some help to you.

College

Well i went to college after spending 1 year at 6th form (3 E's)
I absolutely hated it at the start because i knew nobody and no-one would talk to me :( but i eventually started to make friends and now i hang around with a few during lunchtimes and stuff.. it's getting much better.

I don't like being at home on my own, so on Mondays + Tuesdays i want to go to college but when i get there i wanna go home again... lol

But nah, it's going good, break up this friday for christmas and well i can't wait to go back again lol.

Why do brains think so much?

This last month + has been uber annoying for me, all i can do is think about Rebecca and various scenario's which might occur, some are good and some are bad, but whatever it is all i can do is think about her, well unsurprising because i think she is one of the most amazing people EVER! i really love Rebecca :D and well even though my brain does think alot and its annoying.. i'm glad im thinking about someone so special.