Too long has gone

College almost over thank goodness, driving test soon scared as and i'll probs fail but still lol.

Nothing much has happened recently really, Sisters wedding went fabbed they both looked wicked =]

Finally got a new computer so can actually get on now, just hope that i can actually find something to post about lol.

Well take care if anyone actually still reads this.

"Cheaper by the dozen 2" + Crack pots

Well, i went to babysit on Thursday and we watched this film to calm them down before they went off to bed, wow it made me think alot.

It's basically about 2 families competing against each other using their children, but also neglecting the way their children feel about it.

It made me think about how empty my "love-life" is atm, and being single for the last 4 years has finally began to suck like crazy.. watching this film made me miss how much being with someone affects your life, but also the fact that as i was watching the dads feeling and realising things about their kids showed me how much i want for that to be me one day.

Also on Wednesday, Stowmarket Songsters had a concert and someone told a story about two pots that carried water for this woman, one pot was perfect and the other had a crack in it which leaked water. and basically the cracked pot got fed up with itself thinking how useless it is compared to the perfect pot, so the pot told the woman, but the woman replied that it has some use because on his side of the road their are loads of flowers but none on the other side.
It was also said how people are like this crack pot, that we have flaws in ourselves.

This made me thing alot too, at how real this is, and how people react to this, the majority of people i know would've chucked the cracked pot away, therefore they are chucking us away as a person, this is so true.. for instance, im not the "fittest" of person out there, so people ignore me because of this and try to go for the "perfect" person.

Done it again lol...

I aint posted in ages again.. sorry :o

Driving = wicked, been on A14 twice now, getting more confident in general driving which is good and im doing well for only having 7 lessons. Still need to do theory but i'll get it done sometime.

College, man this is getting tough lol and its only first year :o almost failed the course because i didnt do abit of work because i was off ill and no1 told me about it -.- but im getting there.. so hopefully i'll pass with a merit maybe, but atm i'll be happy with an overall pass lol.

Spiritually and emotional im having a rollercoaster ride.. Sunday at Youth Councils was great except i had sore throat so couldn't sing songs as good as i wanted to (i did a bit, and had no voice on monday lol) Im contemplating ASCA thinking the good and bad things about it and whether i really want to go or not.. atm im not too sure. My feelings are good now, i think its safer if i just say i dont like anyone in that way, even tho deep down i might, it's just easier for everyone really.

Friends at college, this is hard.. i hang around with like 2 mates nearly all the time, ones into all sorts of stuff but goes on about it abit too much, and the others into talking about sex and girls 24/7 -.- this gets hard as i havent told them about my christian values because i know they dont like it and i dont wanna lose friends over it... but its extremely hard i have to pretend im interesting in all the music, videos etc and girls..

Well, easter hols coming up.. time to relax....... NOT... lol :P got lots of college work to do, and babysitting.. just found out i gotta be up for 8am yes 8am for driving lesson on Monday too :( thats gonna be abit of a pain.

:o aint updated in a while :o

oops, i keep forgetting to do my blog lol!

Well life atm, isnt bad, but its not great.

College i blurgh, too much work, not enough fun lol!

Driving is going good, even though its three weeks since i had a proper lesson... well i say that, but last week i was driving for like 10 mins, stalled it :o yes im rubbish ok lol! and it dint want to start again.. so erm i kinda broke it :o havent heard from my instructor since hehe.

My thoughts about thinks atm, is alright, i haven't had lots of confusing thoughts about who/what i like.. i think i know for sure who i like :) ok, nothings gonna happen, but its good to be less "troubled" in the head (couldnt find a better word lol)

Last Sunday was wicked, Songster sunday. We sang loads of songs and it was really funny, especially our opening song "singing in the heavenly choir" cos we werent exactly ready to perform it without books so some of the older folk forgot their words and actions lol. All in all the songs were good, the testimony's and sermons were intersting and thoughtful.

Having said i enjoyed singing on Sunday, im being a hypocrite to my own words, because the songsters are going to Norwich Cathedral on Saturday and im kinda not going because i'm going to Sudbury's "Quiz and Chip" night :) It will be fun nonetheless but i should really of gone to the Cathedral.

Well hopefully i'll continue to update regularly.. just tell me off for when im not lol

Argh - Not again.. why?

Well you know last month i had feelings for someone when i was having a depressed time, well its been a month and half since becca said she wants to be friends, so i've accepted that and "moved on" as it were.. but the problem i've moved on is i've developed my feelings for the person who was helping me.

She's a great person but i'm stupid again and sent a valentine txt (lame i know) saying bla bla bla from your secret admirer. This made her a little apprehensive and on Friday/Saturday (long nights cant remember) I told her that it was me. Well yesterday we spent the afternoon travelling upto St Ives then onto Peterborough with each other and we just talked alot bout random things which is great because it gets to know each other, and well on my mind was my feelings of her, these were all true on how i feel and they developed over the evening.. this is when i turned into my old self :( when i got home i sent a text saying thanx for a great day etc.. then started waffling in another text about how i have to accept how she feels and just learn to know that nothings gonna happen between us.

Yes i think this is true because i've "read between the lines" on a few things and also its just in my nature of relationships (because i've been single now 3-4 years -.-) and then stupid thing is during the night i couldnt sleep and i flipping sent a text saying this.. man im sure i am one of the dumbest people alive.. It probs came across as if i was stupid and desperate.. and well i dont want that cos thats one reason why becca only wanted to be friends.

I need to speak to her because i got about an hours sleep last night because all i did was think about her, how i acted and how stupid i am. I tried texting my sister about whether these feelings are still because of the helping during the depressive time i had last month or whether i genuinely like this girl. I think it's that latter because i started thinking less of her after i felt abit better last month but everyday i thought about her and pray about her and it just excites me (dnt take that rudely) when i speak to her or see her.

Well hopefully today we will end up being on MSN the same time and we can talk about this.

Well keep you updated (again sorry for lack of updates, i've been ill and busy with Assignments)

Sorry i aint posted in a while...

Sort of couldn't be bothered really! lol

Well these last few weeks have been interesting! im back to my normal self now not really having wierd thoughts or feelings so thats all good.

College is back into the routine of being boring and cant wait for half-term (yes only 2 weeks) lol..

Ain't been to the gym tho :( culdn't be bothered to go cos it's kinda demoralising going on your own and seeing all the really fit (athletic, not the looking type) people. But i'll go tomorrow/tuesday.
Along with this i'm still eating much healthier then i used to be but i still "treat" myself regularly to bad things.

WOOT! Driving lessons started, only had 2 and i'm already way farther then i should be lol.. i even got to drive all the way home on friday lol. So yea, really enjoying it and cant wait to take my test cos ima pass first go! lol (i hope)

Youth Groups going strong now! meeting every tuesday evening and sunday morning, it's pretty wicked. We going to cinema this friday as our first official outing :) hehe.

Well...

This week has been weird! I felt down on Monday due to finding out some things, but i soon became happy again as i started to talk to people and also writing a letter to apologise to Becca.

Yesterday was fab, went to gym for 2 hours and felt better and then in the evening went to the first youth club and was enjoyable to be with people of the same faith again.

Today, i've been happy and confused because i went to college thinking it was a normal day but after a while i started talking more and gained alot of confidence then normal and people actually made comments about it! and so i was pretty shocked! I then went to songsters this evening and well it started off alright but it gradually got boring.

I've learnt theres a certain about of things you can actually tell to different people, for instance adult friends you cant tell alot to, parents you cant tell everything to, but best friends you can! So really if you want to talk about it talk to all of them!

Thoughts to bring me down to earth!

Did i really LOVE Rebecca? Probably not.. people are right you have to actually know them well to love someone.

So what was i feeling? Obviously i was feeling an attraction towards her but i was stupid to call it love, it wasn't as strong as true love but it was a strong desire that i actually wanted to be with her.. and i think thats why it probably went all wrong, because i thought it was love!

Now i've gotten over the fact she said no, realised i was abit too obsessive and wasn't really in love and just appreciating that Rebecca is happy not being with me!

Yea i really do like Rebecca alot and i want to be with her still.. i dunno if anything will happen between us?

Maybe my previous blogs were right and that i truly havent got over it yet and i'm just putting my feelings of rejection to the closest person to me.. i dunno.. i'll have to see over the next few weeks and months!

EDIT: i now realise why people don't like me as more then a friend, and i dnt blame them...

Recent days!

Well i'm getting better im thinking about Rebecca abit more now which is good! But at the same time i'm also thinking about the other person in more complicated ways! and well TBH i like it, but i don't think i should be liking it! Maybe i'll talk to the person involved and see what she thinks... but idk we'll see!

Well went to Sudbury tonight which was fun cos i got to speak to Clare and Kirsty.. shame Rebecca wasn't there but she was busy so it cool. I also got told by there mum it looks as if i have lost weight :o but i don't think i have! oh well gym tomorrow anywayz!!

Man i was so happy this morning for the first time in a month or so! Got told 13+ (youth group) was starting up again and i had been praying that the youth at stowmarket corp will get better... and boy! it has!!! a whole new room lots of people willing to help us its great! We now got a Tuesday evening club up which has finally started after 2 years :) and we also doing more "social" outings which is wicked!

Yay, and then the meeting was great it was sorta down to earth and realistic and not too "preachy" and the choice of songs was great esp. "In Christ Alone" which is my favourite because it's that song which made me become a senior soldier.

O today can't really get any better (well except the person in question comes on msn....) but hey 1 step at a time!

How lifes treating me atm!

Well my brain has been totally messed up this whole week and no signs of letting up -.-

Started college again and i hate it again! well behind on work and cant be bothered to work cos it's boring and at college too many distractions. I like being around people again as it does get my mind off things some of the time, but the problem is the people in my class seem to talk about things with a sexual innuendo to it almost all the time! like -.- it's wrong tbh. Then i get asked wot im doing for the weekend so i said "dunno" then there like "bet his gonna go out get pissed and come home beat the misses up" yea i knw there jokin but sometimes they can take it too far!

Also what i found quite funny actually is someone in our class who's an Emo/Greebe got told by our personal tutor he is the most "shy" person in our class! which is very funny because his always talking and stuff and i'm there hardly ever saying a word! It's unbelieveable lol!

Already feeling the pressure of trying to lose weight and eating healthily.. i'm always hungry and i've been naughty and had 2 mince pies this week! and somehow even with being to the gym twice this week and eating better i've put on 2kg!! I dunno how i'm gonna lose weight :(

Today!

Well today i went to College, and it wasn't REALLY bad.. it took my mind off things most of the time but occasionally i was thinking of stuff.

It was kinda fun catching up with people and hearing funny stories about things which has happened to them over Christmas Hols.

Now just watching Celeb BB (not that i care) and earlier found when im starting my driving lessons!!! GET IN!!! 17th Jan!

ok.. how am i going to cope?

I've just woken up to goto College and well i'm scared! i don't feel like going because i don't really like many people there and also i'm scared that when i go for lunch i will do what i have been doing and going to Mcdonalds or Burger King every other day -.- I'm trying to lose weight (as i found out rly how bad i am!)

And i'm thinking about random stuff again and it's hard and it feels as if it's never gonna stop! but AHHHH!!!

we'll see.. enjoy ur day as i probably haven't.

Little Less confused

Well i told the person that i thought of them for a while, and yea it did help! i suppose my feelings were just transferring to other people because i'm feeling down and i just need someone to be with me and help me! and well that person has helped me alot in the last few weeks (you know who you are)

But now i've told them i'm still thinking about them abit more... i don't like like them in anyway but i would like them to be more of a friend to me by chatting more and maybe meet up sumtime but meh i dno atm, just all confusing...

give me a few weeks or so and hopefully i'll start to feel better.

Now i'm confused!

Last night i was happy because i was texting my rly good mate Clare, but for some reason when it got to midnight i suddenly felt unhappy that it was a new year and i'm going to start it feeling like crap. ok...it'll get better hopefully but atm i'm confused...

This morning i woke up and well i was thinking about what i had been dreaming about last night, and this bit is really confusing me. I'm starting to think about someone else other then Rebecca and what it may have been like if i had gotten to like them, and wondered if anything culd ever happen, but the wierd thing is, it was only thoughts but i don't exactly have any feelings for this person because i love Rebecca so much, but i dno why im thinking about this person, i think i should tell them but im not sure as it'll make them think i'm weird or summin...

oh well.. thats me completely down and out

I phoned up Becca and well i didn't directly ask her out, i just asked if we could meet up because i wanted to speak about things and she guessed and well she told me that she wanted to be friends.. my heart broke instantly... it's probably for the best though my life is full of letdowns and it's just becoming usual now.

Least i've still got her as a friend and well i hope she doesn't do what most of them are doing to me and just blocking me out.. i'll still love becca more then ever, and well somehow i'll cope with the fact i probably won't be able to go out with her but i'll be persistant and be friendly and well i never know it might work out in the end.

Am i really going to die a lonely old fart.. cos always it's "lets just be friends" yes it's great to have friends but why am i not someone who people love?

I better stop before i cry even more (not that i probably can) I still love Rebecca and i cherish your friendship now.